Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
