There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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