I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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