If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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