She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
