My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
