You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
