the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
