Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
