I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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