Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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