DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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