I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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