Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
