I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
