I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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