finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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