from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
