In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
