So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
