i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
