Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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