You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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