I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
