last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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