Say something about gay babies.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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