You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
