after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
