hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
