I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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