Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
