I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
