His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
