When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
