i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize