I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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