omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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