I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm like, not good at living.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
