maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
