my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
