I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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