I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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