You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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