Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
