He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
