i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
