It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
