K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
