Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You pole danced in your parka.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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