Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sext me about skeletons
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
