i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
