He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
