bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
