I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
