Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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