stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
